Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus may seem like the jolliest couple on Earth, but have you ever wondered if their marriage is actually as blissful as it appears? What if they’re just staying together for the sake of the elves? What if the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is actually a true account of the time Santa cheated on his wife? What if they’re bound for divorce court?
For the record, we here at The Exit don’t want the North Pole’s hottest couple to split up, but we’re also realists. Relationships end all the time, and there’s no reason why Santa’s marriage would be divorce proof.
So, in the spirit of preparing you for what could possibly become reality, we’ve done our best to imagine what a divorce between Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus might look like.
Chief complaints from Santa
- She can’t cook anything but Christmas cookies
- She never makes the “nice” list
- She fails to maintain elf labor relations
- She poorly manages the workshop
- She refuses to alleviate Santa’s stress (in more ways than one)
- She becomes feisty when she drinks too much eggnog
- Speculation that she cheated with the Easter Bunny
Chief complaints from Mrs. Claus
- Santa is a workaholic
- He overindulges on cookies and milk
- His large waistline continues to grow
- He always has food in his beard
- He ditches her every Christmas Eve
- He insists on traveling everywhere in a sleigh
- He won’t go anywhere without the reindeer
- He treats the elves better than he treats her
- Speculation that he cheated with the Tooth Fairy
Santa’s and Mrs. Claus’s divorce agreement
We anticipate a fairly amicable split, as Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus would agree that their personal problems should not infringe on what matters most – the magic of Christmas. We do not think either party will hire a lawyer, particularly as there are no divorce attorneys in the North Pole.
Once they hashed everything out, we believe the settlement would look something like this:
North Pole Property Division: The North Pole would be divided into two separate living spaces for Santa and Mrs. Claus, with each having their own section of the workshop and living quarters.
Toy Production Rights: Mrs. Claus would retain some rights to toy production, allowing her to continue contributing to the joy of children around the world during the holiday season. However, she would have less production rights than Santa himself.
Elf Custody Arrangements: Custody would be split 50/50, as Santa and Mrs. Claus would not want to force the elves to choose sides, or put them through unnecessary stress.
Access to Christmas Magic: Both Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus would retain the rights to Christmas magic, allowing them to spread holiday joy in their own individual ways. Neither party would be allowed to infringe on the other’s delivery of Christmas magic.
Cookie recipes: Mrs. Claus would retain all rights to cookie recipes, and Santa would be forbidden from sharing his recipe knowledge with anyone else.
Reindeer custody: Since Santa uses the reindeer as a tool of the trade and has always been solely responsible for their care, he would retain full custody. Mrs. Claus would have once-a-month visitation rights.
Transportation for Mrs. Claus: Mrs. Claus would be given a one-time award of $20,000 to purchase a vehicle since she would no longer have access to the reindeer or Santa’s sleigh.
We understand this article may be a little upsetting, but we would like you to remember that there’s a good chance that Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus will never divorce. But if they do, we hope you can respect their decision and remain hopeful that each of them will find love in the future.