Don’t Say You’re Sorry: How to Support a Friend During Divorce

Is a close friend in the middle of a divorce or separation? If so, you probably want to offer comfort and support. But it can be hard to know exactly what to say to someone who’s going through one of life’s biggest stressors. It can be hard to find the right words (and easy to say the wrong ones). Sure, offering condolences is a natural reaction when we hear such big news from a heartbroken pal. But, saying “I’m sorry” may not have the reassuring effect we hope for. 

“That apology can do more harm than good, even if well-intended,” said Nicole Sodoma, a divorce attorney and author of “Please Don’t Say You’re Sorry.” That’s something Sodoma didn’t recognize until her own separation, despite over two decades of experience helping clients get divorced.

“Admittedly, I gave my sincere apologies for thousands of divorce consultations. Now, I see it through a different lens,” she said. “It can make you question your decision, your relationship, and your role. It can even make you feel like you were a victim—even if you weren’t.” 

The phrase can unintentionally imply fault or pity, which might not resonate with someone going through a split, agreed Eden Garcia-Balis, M.S. LMFT, Chief Executive Officer at Airport Marina Counseling Service (AMCS) in Los Angeles, California. Even so, she says supporting a friend during divorce or separation, a time of intense emotional upheaval and uncertainty, is crucial.

So, what should you say to a friend going through a split? Read on for expert-backed ways to show your support.

Listen with love, not judgment

Even if your friend is the one seeking separation, divorce can feel like a death – one that incites a roller coaster of emotions, from loneliness and grief to freedom, said Sodoma. The tricky part? It’s hard to predict what will come up and when. And during such uncertainty, it’s all too easy to question your self-worth, Garcia-Balis said. 

“We’ve all had moments where our inner voice can be downright nasty to us,” said Lynda Martin, LMFT, founder of Attached Marriage & Family Therapy, a virtual practice serving the tri-state area. She said that if your friend is experiencing big feelings like guilt, self-doubt, or remorse – just show up for them. “It’s okay not to have all the answers; just come with curiosity and love, ask questions, share thoughts, and then let things flow as they will.”

Being a judgment-free support zone gives your friend the stability and reassurance they need to navigate the complex emotions and decisions ahead, Garcia-Balis said. “Your presence and understanding can make a significant difference in their ability to heal and move forward positively,” she said. 

Be a light in time of darkness

Offering practical assistance is an impactful way to help a newly single friend. But before going into fix it, super-bestie mode, check in about what they really need, Martin said. You might ask, “Do you want me to be a quiet listener friend? Kick-butt protector best friend? Cheerleader best friend? Something else?” Martin said their answers will clue you in on the best way to show up.

But what if your friend isn’t so forthcoming? Take initiative, advised Sodoma. “Be the person who brings food, not because they asked but because you could. Be the person who shows up with a card that brightens a day, or a little gift that you know they would love,” she said.

Keep in mind that if they’re in the initial phase of divorce recovery where everything feels impossible, small gestures will have a huge impact, said Martin. You can’t do self-care for them, but you may be able to remove some of the barriers. 

For example, offer to help with everyday tasks like cooking, cleaning, or childcare, said Garcia-Balis. You can also accompany them to appointments or assist with legal paperwork. Just understand that healing takes time, she adds. “Respect their pace, show consistent support, and be there whenever they need to talk or vent.”

Instant day brighteners to try

If you’re coming up short on uplifting ways to show your support, try one of Garcia-Balis’ expert suggestions: 

• Create a care package: Create a thoughtful care package of self-care essentials, such as their favorite snacks, a cozy blanket, a journal, uplifting books or movies, bath salts, or candles. 
• Plan a mini getaway: Organize a day or weekend trip to a peaceful destination where you can relax and rejuvenate. It could be a beach day, a hiking trip, or visiting a nearby town.
• Encourage new experiences: Introduce them to hobbies or activities they’ve expressed interest in, such as painting classes, pottery workshops, cooking lessons, or dance classes. 
• Support their passions: Attend events related to their interests, whether a concert, art exhibition, sports game, or a local play. But if baseball makes you snooze, skip the ballpark, and choose an activity you’ll both enjoy. 
• Exercise together: It’s no secret that physical activity is a natural mood booster. Why not check out a new yoga or fitness class together, go for a walk or run, or explore a new outdoor activity like biking or paddleboarding?
• Volunteer together: Look for opportunities to give back that resonate with their values and interests, such as animal shelters, community gardens, or mentoring programs. 
• Create positive rituals: What brings joy and relaxation? Make it a habit, whether it’s regular Sunday brunches, weekly movie nights, or evening walks in a nearby park. 
• Celebrate achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate their personal and professional progress and achievements, which will reinforce their resilience and strength. 

Above all, be patient and understanding, said Sodoma. Remember that your friend needs you, even if they don’t know it (and haven’t said thank you often enough). “When the divorce fog lifts, and the sun rises brightly, you will have a stronger relationship,” she said.

Martin adds that your support will get them through the low moments where nothing feels real, and no amount of positivity will get through. She said to show up, be gentle, check in with them, and share your appreciation for who they are as a person. “Not all love stories are about romantic partners; friendships can have a long-lasting impact on our sense of security and confidence. Just be their person while they try to find out who they are again.”